Wednesday, October 12, 2011


     I am slowly cutting down on the drugs. We just arrived in Japan. I brought a smal amount of dope t snort but I ran out six hours or so ago. I am going into a kick. Everybody is talking about how much weight I lost. I told them I was dieting and stopped drinking... at least the drinking part is true because junkies hate alcohol. But right about now I need a shot and Jack is all there is. I got a stash of Valium to help but even that can not remove this pain. I am feeling like crap. Sweating up a storm. It is amazing what a difference twelve days can make in your life. I went from completely drunk and coked out to strung out again. This is my second trip to Japan on a kick. Its messed up, but good. Because one thing I know is, you can not get junk in Japan at least, I haven't ever been able to. Thank god...

Rat on a Wheel.

I feel like a rat on a wheel. At first I embraced this, then I wanted to get off, but it is like somebody is turning it faster and faster. I fall and it throws me around and I just can not stop.. The band decided to take some time off, so what are we doing? Vince is cruising around the Caribbean and singing guest spots with Bon Jovi. Tommy is playing golf and riding his dirt bike. Mick is content to buy guns and hope for world war III.. and Sixx? I am losing my mind trapped in this tomb..
This is how low it gets.. at 3 this morning I was crouched naked in my closet thinking the world was about to burst through my door. I peered out the closet and saw myself in the mirror.I looked like an Auschwitz victim..a wild animal. I was hunched trying to find a vein so I could inject into my privates.. Then the dope went into my personal area and I thought I looked freakin' fantastic. I can not keep doing this. But I can't stop. 

Writting Music

We were in the studio today and I heard Tommy playing a really cool little piece on the piano in the other room. I ran in, sat down and joined him. We wrote a GORGEOUS song that Berry freakin' Manilow would be proud of. I have the cassette with me now and I have a brilliant idea. I am going to write this one for Nicole.
Me and Tommy taught the boys the song, and it is completely finished, the guys LOVED  it. We are going to record it tomorrow! I am physicked. The song is called "You Are All I Need" I guess it is a take on Taxi Driver in the sense that if you really love somebody, you would kill them so nobody else can have them... right?

The Family I Never Had

     Today I checked my answering machine. I had not played it back for days. Steven Tyler had called, asking if I was OK. So weird- this guy that I had idolized as a kid is looking out for me as if he was my dad.Which is the closest thing I have ever had to a dad...
I have left messages for Keith Richards, asking him if he wants to meet up and write songs together. But of course he never gets back to me. I am starting to question who my real friends are... T-Bone came over after rehearsal. The usual routine..chill out, with a couple shots of Jack, sitting on our butts watching MTV, then I bring out the gear and we shoot up... why can Tommy do the drugs better than me? Why doesn't he get hooked?
Tommy is the brother I never had. He has this energy and positively I just have not got.. I get off on that, and I give him.. what? Maybe a darkness and edginess he does not have.. and which in some twisted way he admires. It freaks me out that Tommy has never mentioned how I messed up his wedding.. I love him for that..

Monday, October 10, 2011

Weird Night.

     What the hell was all that about? Even by Vanity's standards, last night was insane. When I called her she did not want to come over and invited me to her place instead. I soon found out why when I got there. She had been smoking coke for hours and looked pretty messed up, but I still decided to join in. Vanity was doing her crazy art stuff and we ended up doing base all night. When it got light out she said she was hungry and made me go buy eggs and bacon. It seemed weird because nobody on cokes gets hungry, but I was too messed up to realize it. When I got back ten minutes later, the guards would not let me in, they said she was not there. I saw two black guys speeding out of the gate, I thought that was also weird because Vanity is the only black person in the complex. I just sat there... she drove out ten minutest later. I chased her down the block in the car. When I asked who those guys were she said "Oh they are just friends" 
   Weird night... she always finds a new way to mess with my head.

Worship the Devil.

     Some guy just came to the door preaching about the lord, so I told him I worshiped the devil to get rid of him. I have got to give it to him, he did not skip a beat, he just kept trying to save my soul. Then the phone rang, I told him I would be right back, but I forgot he was there I guess the dude finally got the hint and split. But he did leave me this nice little pamphlet. I think that I will save it and give it to Vanity ( My crazy girlfriend type thing) I am meeting up with Riki at the cathouse tonight (A high-end strip club) I need to order a few things.. I am running low. I have had no toilet paper for a week, and I am on my eighth day without showering.

I cant feel my soul

     I cant feel my soul. This darkness has become my only friend. My new addiction is drinking tons of water right before I shoot up coke, then puking it all up in the jacuzzi as my head explodes into the stratosphere. Why? Why not? I am engaged in a dance of death in this house. ......Five hours later....
Bob Timmons came to rehearsal today. He asked me right away if I was using. Of course I denied that I was on something, I said that I have just been partying hard, doing to much blow, and also drinking, but that I could easily stop at any time if I wanted to. I did not know if Bob believed me, but I am NOT going to let him throw me back into rehab again- I would kill him, or possibly even myself.

Isn't it funny how that works?

     There is this funny thing about heroin... the first time you do it, you throw up, youfeel sick and you can move. You just lay on your back and your head spins and your body flips. You say to yourself, this is the stupidest drug ever. Only the dumbest of the dumb would ever do it again. So why did I do it again? Because my heroes did it.. They didn't care... and I really do not care about anything at all. Heroin, once it became my friend, became like a warm blanket on a cold night. Now I can not imagine living with out it. I can not imagine lasting a single day without it. I don't get sick from it now-I get sick if I do NOT do it. Sometimes if I did not know any better, I would think that my dealer is trying to kill me.
      ....Isn't it funny how that works?

Free base.

     The best part of free base is before the first hit, I love that moment, right before I put the glass pipe to my lips. That moment when everything is sane, and the craving, the salivating, the excitement all feel fresh and innocent. Yet as soon as I hit the pipe, within thirty seconds all hell breaks loose in my brain.. and I keep on doing it, and doing it, and I can not stop. Everyday that I sit here and write it is always the same. So-why? Why do I do this ?I hate it.... I hate it so much I love it even more.The worst part of freebase is running out. But I have a new Jones Speed Balls. No matter what kinda the junk just is not enough anymore. I feel like I am only half way there...


The dying would be easy.. it was the living that I did not know if I could do, that is my perspective on life. I am Nikki Sixx and I am the founder, chief song writer, and bassist for Motley Crue. I was so hooked on heroin and cocaine that I had to die two times before I began to contemplate a more positive life style. When I was fifteen years old, I remember Iggy and the Stooges song , "Search and Destroy" reaching out to me from my speakers. There could not be anymore truer words for such an alienated teenager like me. Another one of my musical heroes, Alice Cooper, sang "Welcome to my Nightmare" It was like he could see my future. I guess if you could mix those songs together it would have been the theme song to my adolescence. On Christmas day 1986, I was a member of one of the biggest rock n roll bands in the world.I was also an alcoholic, a coke addict, and a heroin addict, heading into a pill-popping downward spiral of depression.